Punters Lament

This poem, written by the late, great
Bill Collins, was read out at the
VBA's annual dinner...

I stood on the Flemington Racecourse,
In my pocket was two dollars ten.
I backed the winner of the first race,
My luck is in again.
I backed the winner of the second
And when it came to the third,
They said the filly by Danehill*
Was the next best thing to a bird.
She flew from the stalls like an arrow
And when she dashed clear past the stand,
The ticket I had in my pocket
Was worth the best part of a grand.
The next three races were easy,
The favourites all won in a trot
And when it came to the last race
I decided to wager the lot.
Thirteen thousand eight hundred dollars.
My fancy was seven to one.
By the time I was through it was evens
And my moment of truth had begun.
Ollie* bounced him out like a beauty
And soon had him in on the rail.
The leaders were ripping and tearing,
He was getting a beautiful trail.
As they came to the turn he was bolting,
He just needed a split I was sure.
A furlong from home and he got it,
The crowd rose to their feet with a roar.
The leader was fighting back gamely
But so was the favourite by heck.
The judge didn't call for a photo,
I had landed my plunge by a neck!
As the horses came back for the weigh-in
I could only think of one thing,
I'd arrived at the course with two dollars
Yet I'd broken the whole Flemington ring.
Next moment the siren was sounding,
I know I went white as a ghost.
A protest was lodged with the stewards
For a bump fifty yards from the post.
The next half hour was a nightmare,
I bit my nails down to the quick.
I thought it would never be over,
I felt hot, I felt cold, I felt sick.
The siren was once again sounding,
The announcer came over "stand by!"
The whole of the racecourse was silent,
I let out my breath with a sigh.
"Your attention please Ladies and Gentlemen,"
the words seemed to float through a mist,
"Your attention please Ladies and Gentlemen,
the protest has been - dismissed."
You could hardly imagine my feelings,
The torture I'd suffered was through.
I'd buy a big mansion in Toorak,
There were so many things I would do.
I suddenly felt I was drowning,
I let out a horrible scream,
For I'd fallen asleep in the bathtub,
And the whole thing was only a dream.