The following excerpts hail from two books taking a light-hearted look at racing:

"The Jockey Who Laughed" by Roy Higgins and Tom Prior, Hutchinson Group 1982.

"When it comes to punters, you have to hand it to Lady Godiva. She put everything she had on a horse." - Jimmy Durante.

"My wife doesn't mind me betting, just losing." - Lou Richards.

"The only way to make a regular living following horses is to do it with a broom and shovel." - Bruce the Bookie.

"Bookmaker: a pickpocket who lets you use your own hands." - Henry Morgan.

"A pessimist is an optimist on his way home from the racetrack." - Red Smith.

"Heard In The Paddock" edited by Roderick Bloomfield, Stanley Paul & Co Ltd, 1970.

Jack Leach:
"Harry Ball, a bookmaker from Leeds, who dressed as a Scotsman and bet under the name of McGregor. Whatever won was always his 'worst.' As soon as the horse passed the winning post he would cry in anguish, 'Oh, my worst, my worst. It has ruined my book.'

One day, at Pontefract, I got to the races early and I was looking across the racecourse when the ambulance drove up the track, past the winning post. A friend said to me: 'What is that?' I said: "I am not certain what it is, but I will bet it is Harry Ball's worst!'"

Francis Byrne:
"Of course, bravery is an absolute requisite to winning large sums. The punter who will take no risk at all cannot win. And it is wrong to look askance at the man who has won a vast sum and lost it again. He would not have won it in the first place if he had been ready to stop."

Lord Willoughby De Broke:
"Most people connected with the sport of horseracing are well endowed with a sense of humour. This is fortunate for them, as they would not last very long without one!"

"Before the First World War two officers in my regiment went to a small steeplechase meeting in the West Country. The day went badly for them, but there was a 'good thing' in the last race which was a novices' steeplechase and looked like starting about 6-4 against. There were very few bookmakers at the meeting and in those days 'welshing' was not uncommon.

So they scraped up their last ten pounds between them and arranged that one should watch the race and the other should watch the bookmaker. The 'good thing' was sailing into the last fence a hundred yards in front and full of running when one of them said 'Look out, he's off!"

So they pursued him as fast as they could, fighting their way through the crowd who were leaving the course.

They eventually caught him and forced him to disgorge their ten-pound stake money plus the fifteen pounds winnings, and caught the train back to London. It was not until they got to Reading and were able to buy an evening paper that they discovered that the 'good thing' had gone head over heels at the last fence and had not won at all!”

Meanwhile Eve Stockton (administrator of www.melbournetrackreport.com - one that provides free information on Melbourne racing, updated daily), takes a more modern day look at a day at the races…

EIGHT SIMPLE RULES FOR GOING TO THE RACETRACK
1. When considering your wardrobe for a day at the races, be sure that none of your clothing is green - a colour that is favoured by the fairy folk. This is one of many superstitions that haunt racing enthusiasts the world over. You should also keep in mind that it is considered a terrible omen to put your hat on a table, and if you keep losing betting tickets in your pocket you'll continue to lose all day.

Also, you'll never find anyone eating peanuts on a racetrack, but no one knows why. And there is a commonly quoted rhyme, which advises caution when considering backing a horse with white feet: "One white sock, buy him. Two white socks, try him. Three white socks, deny him. Four white socks and a white nose…" well, let's just say it doesn't end well for the horse. But there are no rules so important as not wearing green. It's the law.

2. Back the first horse you see when you arrive at the track … unless it belongs to a Clerk of the Course. If you ask for $20 each way on the grey, the bookie may well take your money - even if the only horse of that colour on the track is being ridden by Graham Salisbury.

3. Attempt to sound knowledgeable when assessing horses in the mounting yard, but choose your words carefully. For instance, if your girlfriend overhears you saying things like "she looks very fit, I fancy her a bit. I'd put her on top," she might get the wrong idea.

Instead, use phrases such as "she's fresh and a lightweight chance, looks forward, nicely presented." That way, no one will have the first idea what you're talking about and you'll sound just like an expert.

4. Always plan your bets well in advance, don't be tempted to change your mind at the last moment. There is a commonly held belief that your ability to pick a winner just by looking at the horses names increases in direct proportion to the amount of alcohol consumed. This is an unproven theory. And try to remember that despite appearances, horses are not really capable of winking.

5. If you are taking someone to the races who has never been to the track before and has never placed a bet in their life, do not give them any advice and be sure to follow their tips exactly all day. They are sure to be carrying more than their fair share of beginner's luck. This phenomenon happens only once to each new racegoer, so try to make the most of it.

6. Be aware that if you seem to be having a particularly fortunate day, people you have never met before will come up to you and touch you for 'luck.' This can be a great way to make new friends. Unfortunately, it can also be a bit creepy.

7. Don't lend money on a racetrack; you'll never get it back. However, it's quite OK to borrow money to bet on the races - in fact it's considered a very lucky thing to do.

8. Finally, if you find a horseshoe on the way back to the car park pick it up, spit on it, make a wish and throw it over your left shoulder. However, it might also be a good idea to check if the coast is clear, otherwise your good fortune could become someone else's concussion.

Then there is this offbeat approach…

PINKLINE'S GUIDE TO BEING A SUCCESSFUL PUNTER
Previously known to Internet users as Pinkhead Jones, renaming himself in honour of his favourite horse Sunline, Pinkline (aka Anthony Meale) is a racing fan who has been leaving his mark online for the past year or so. As big a lover of kebabs as he is of the punt, he has his own idea of racecourse etiquette. Following is his unique look at the punt…

AT THE TAB

TAB FOOTWEAR: Life's barefoot success stories can be safely counted on one hand (with a digit to spare) - Emile
Zatopek, Gandhi, Brooke Shields in The Blue Lagoon, Fat Cat & Friends. Red thongs might impress most ladies on first dates but they've never helped Falvelon at Sandown and they're certainly not going to help YOU here. Ability to sprint to the betting window in time to place your next losing bet begins with your shoes. Traction and aerodynamics count for a lot - lose the thongs!

LAYOUT/ANTICIPATION: It is essential that before you start placing your losing bets you are aware of all the shortest routes to the betting windows. Consider "anticipation" and "speed off the mark". As soon as you suspect that the commentator is about to mouth the dreaded words "Oh dear! The fave's in trouble!" - don't just stand there frothing like a demented extra from a B-Grade horror flick – is here really any need to watch the remainder of a nightmare unfold? Leave the tragedies to Shakespeare and focus on the next event, The Class 1 Chicken Wings with Side Salad Improvers at Peak Hill - where every barrier is a disadvantage, the racing surface is about as stable as the San Andreas Faultline and the last favourite to win was ten years before the photo finish camera came into existence.

KEEP IT SIMPLE / TRIFECTAS: The Roving Banker. What in the heck? Forget that nonsense – stick to gambling each way with an occasional trifecta. With trifectas, forget about irrelevancies such as weights, form and track conditions. This will only lead to confusion and a very bad headache will most likely ensue. Only the consumption of copious amounts of alcohol can set you right if that happens - before you can even consider heading back to throw up last night's kebabs at the betting window. For a trifecta bet you need to select a grey horse, a brown one and a black one. Why? Simple - you'll find it far easier to spot your nags as they make their losing runs.

COMPASSION: It is more than likely that during some point in the afternoon a fellow sufferer will turn to you moaning about a particular jockey's lack of riding skill or how the favourites are not winning. "Mate, if I had just had one more number!" - the difference between returning to the padded cell or living in a wigwam in Bermuda with five affection starved super models. Offering a polite "that's a shame" will suffice. Avoid engaging in conversation otherwise you will inherit a TAB "friend" who will make your future losing afternoons about as enjoyable as having your toenails manicured with a poorly maintained chainsaw.

FOOD: Stick to pies, pizzas, kebabs. The gambling brain needs nourishment. Eating healthy salads or anything remotely resembling vegetable matter can only cloud your judgement and will lead to a dizzy spell which means you could fall over but worst of all miss the next race!

AT THE TRACK

If things don't work out at the TAB then the next idea is to hot foot it to the nearest track and try your luck with the bookies. All in all they are a very generous lot. In fact all registered bookmakers are currently offering failed TAB punters an incredible opportunity to place their first bet with any of them – entirely free of charge! All you need is a letter from your local TAB identifying you as a failed gambler e.g. "Dear Sir, I hereby declare that the punter you see before you is a complete shambles and smells funny. You know what to do".

BEATING THE BOOKS/FIRST AID: Time to win all that money back! $10,000 each way on lucky number 7 should help rebuild your shattered confidence. If your horse loses then as explained you don't have to pay a cent! Now if you WIN please proceed to the bookie's ring and hand over your winning ticket.

In return you will be handed a free voucher for the food stand entitling you to one hot dog on a stick and an expired carton of chips. After you've been released from the First Aid Room two hours later you need to make your way, gingerly, to the mounting yard to get a good look at the runners in the next race.

MOUNTING YARD: Look for horses with very shiny coats, fresh breath, clean feet and good teeth. If you feel that all the horses are laughing at you at any point you are experiencing "Kebabophobia". Another beer should set you right. Once you've decided on your horse proceed like a maniac to the betting ring and plonk on everything you've got left. If all of the bookmakers refuse to take your $2.60 on the nose then head for the tote window. The situation is now Code 1-Desperate! After you are ejected from the course it is time to bring out the red thongs again. This will give you an air of genuine need and a free lift back to the asylum should be imminent.
Next edition we'll delve deeper into the bigger racing issues including: removing sauce stains from your Sunline T Shirt; Lugging Bits; Form Reversals and Anger Management.